Millenium Travel Pt3

 Downtown Bangkok

25/1/02 - Downtown Bangkok

Today TC and I thought we would treat ourselves to a traditional Thai massage while also visiting a rather large famous reclining gold Buddha type chap. We hopped onto a water taxi and enjoyed a pleasurable trip up the Chao Phraya river to Bangkok’s oldest and largest temple, Wat Pho.* For those of you who have never experienced Thailand, (or in fact any other nation whose culture has a penchant for ornate gold everything), go have a look at your local theatre (if it’s more than 20-30 years old). Combine the experience with a viewing of the movie “The King and I”, 1956. Leave out Yule Brynner singing and the Rogers and Hammerstein “Shall we Dance” routines and you now have a thinly veiled idea of the splendour of this amazing place.

*Re-modelled, apparently, in the ornate post-Ayutthaya style by a couple of kings called Rama lama dingdong or something similar.

After the cultural tour through the golden splendour* that was Wat Pho, we went to search for massages of a Thai nature. To describe the experience I must run with the few choice descriptive words and phrases which positively spring, like Tigger on speed, into my mind. Words such as…sadist for example, or purveyor of pain perhaps or, even executor of extreme ouchiness all go a small way to giving an idea of my feelings at the time. Visions of the implements of torture used, in medieval times, to inflict immense amounts of pain and suffering onto the populace, pale into insignificance like harmless toys when compared to the hands, fingers and knuckles of your average Thai masseuse. Alright, so I admit that I did actually feel a tad looser when the whole episode was over but still…the pain…oh the pain!

*Apparently bright yellows and gold’s are the colours of enlightenment. A bit obvious really. It would be hard not to see what was going on if everything was painted bright yellow and gold.

By the time TC and I returned to the aromatic, wooden, temporary place of habitual abode*. We had both made a major decision. The IT avec TC are on the road to Kanchanaburi on the famous River Kwai.** We received plenty big info on the subject from a chap called Matt who lives in a forest with monks…so it must be true and kosher!

*The backpackers in Sampeng.

**As in Bridge on the River Kwai…Alec Guinness, 1957, it’s a classic, check it out

26/1/02 - Fantasy body size land/Bangkok

Arranged our trip to Kanchanaburi and proceeded to do bugger all else due to heat exhaustion. Actually, that last statement was a big fat lie based on my own denial and bad form. Did In fact return to Khao San Road in an attempt to purchase some loose vest tops. For some bizarre reason, known to no-one in particular, I actually thought that I might have slimmed down to rice and veg Asian size in the space of 48hrs!

Question: Why would I think this?

Answer: Ask the people who go back to the fridge after 10mins in the vain hope that the 2 slices of bread, half an onion and the dehydrated lettuce that were its only previous contents, have miraculously morphed into something a lot more appetising. It’s the same optimistic concept.

The result of this optimistic endeavour was an angry 10min rant on the idiotic business sense of those who do not realize that their main customer base i.e., Westerners, come in more sizes than bloody wafer thin skinny. This was in fact about the time that I arrived back once again feeling very large and bulbous. I believe it was at this point I was overcome with heat exhaustion and had to retire to my room all “Jane Austen” like and very “Out of Sorts”.

N.B.

At this stage I feel obliged to point out that, if you haven’t already noticed, I tend to describe things in relation to movies, the characters from movies or the literature that inspired movies. This will no doubt continue as a descriptive theme throughout this bijou novelette …what can I say, I like movies.

Yet another N.B. So, how did these chain of events change my life as I knew it? 
For the first time ever I admitted that my body shape, and dissatisfaction with it, was my own fault and only I could change it...also had to admit that it would probably take longer than 48 hrs and  involve more than one Thai massage to achieve this goal but, at least I have a goal :)  

Millennium Travel Pt 2

Millenium Travel Pt2 - Sampeng - Bangkok

24/1/02 - Sampeng - Bangkok

HANGOVER ALERT! I’ve been bitten by the tiger…Nough said.

My Travelling Companion (TC)* has had her first shag** A 12yr old English boy, TC is 43, (He was 23yrs old actually. Thus embarks the I T’s journey into the benefits of recreational use of 20 something men…more to follow no doubt).

**Shag-A Sexual encounter (for those not acquainted with this colloquialism).

Not even 24hrs into our trip and TC has pissed me off already. “Ha ha, you’re just jealous.” I hear you cry. No and yes as a matter of fact. No, because the real reason for the pissed offedness is that she locked me out of the cockroach infested room until 4.30 in the morning, forcing me to endure a stealth induced frenzied attack from the local beer, and yes because I, (in my normal tradition), proceeded to get incredibly intoxicated*

*Pissed as a fart

(Mental note to self: Stop getting drunk and terrorising men. Try being nice to them…It might just work!)

Anyway, moving on, after re-locating to a much classier backpacking establishment, (warm varnished carved wood, smell of incense creating an exotic Asian feel), TC and I start to appreciate that we are not in Camden any more.

We decide to head off to Khao San road, famous for its seedy rooms and cheap designer bling. The combination of hangover and heat is seriously numbing my brain. Basic movement and co-ordination is still a problem and, to my absolute delight at this time, stalls of fried bugs have now been added to the plethora of sights and aromas assaulting me at every turn.

Our main aim at this stage is to acquire some sexy designer sun glasses and attire that befits the Irish traveller attempting to blend in with the local environment. In this case I am referring to anything cotton, tie dyed and floaty, in manner of hippy trying to find oneself and not, as traditionally pictured, of balaclava’d camouflage in manner of terrorist trying to find someone else! However, unfortunately for the 33yr old slightly overweight IT (that’s me, you’d forgotten already hadn’t you…please pay attention as I will not be reminding you again), free size does not fit all when sizing is based on the childlike frame of the average rice and vegetable eating south east Asian, as, opposed to the fried fish and chip eating European.

The first shopping experience of my trip is therefore less than pleasing. I return to the exotic smelling accommodation feeling fat, frumpy, hot, bothered and thirsty. TC has fared slightly better on the shopping front as she is of a smaller mold than I am in size and stature. I am starting to feel jet lagged and I find myself in possession of several pairs of Thai fishing trousers which can be best described as large nappies with legs. My only comfort at this time is that the newly discovered rapid bowel movements caused by the change of diet, (in conjunction with the heat, dehydration and the thought of fried bugs for tea) should have me fitting into the “one size fits all small Asian people“ in no time.

N.B. So, how did these chain of events change my life as I'd known it? 
I had a lesson in learning to love that which you cannot immediately change, i.e., my fish and chip eating European body and traditional, large nappy with legs, Thai trousers! :)

Millenium Travel - Pt 1

Millennium Travel PT1

Ah mother this London’s a wonderful sight

But the people around here talk nothing but shite

At least when I asked, here’s what I was told

These eejits do nothing but talk through their holes

And for all that I found there, I’d much rather be

In a street in Bangkok, having cockroach for tea

Dedications

Dedicated to my cat Monkey for always looking at me in that condescending,

“You could do so much more with your life if you made an effort you lazy human,” Kinda way.

Please note that the episodes in this blog referring to the Asia experience all take place at the turn of the last century,ergo, it all happened 15yrs ago. This is why there will be references to exchange rates, prices, places that may not exist today. This is due to an ever changing world and not, as you may believe, the ignorance and/or stupidity of the author…Keep it in context people.

Part 1 - Road to Bangkok (like the movie, 1952, minus Bob Hope and Bing Crosbie)

23/1/02 - Somewhere between London and Bangkok

After very cheerfully giving the finger to the big smoke as I cruised gracefully towards 35000ft, I sat back, adjusted my seat belt and thought, “Right girl, this is it, the beginning of the next phase of your life.”* Finally, after several movies that were hard to listen to because of interference from machine and human alike, the Intrepid Traveler** (that’s me) arrives in Bangkok.

*As we continue through the journey that is this part of my life, this statement will become clearer…I’ve had quite a few phases. I find it pays to have a new life phase at least every 7-9yrs.

**Intrepid Traveller (IT) is the non de plume I shall adopt for the duration of this story. Please remember it stands for Intrepid Traveller and not Information Technology, so…don’t be pretentious.

After sitting in a taxi for 2.5 hrs, touring the city on a journey which, incidentally, should have taken no more than 20-30 mins, traffic not withstanding, “Well, you know how it is at this time of night, blah blah blah.” I am beginning to believe that we, that is my travelling companion, (more about her later), and I have managed to acquire the only Bangkok taxi driver who has only ever viewed the city streets from a badly drawn map. My suspicions lead me to believe that he might in fact be an illegal cockney immigrant from London!*

*Those of you who have had similar taxi experiences in London will at this moment be recalling the pigeon English of the foreign gentleman driving the battered ford Cortina that belongs to his cousin.

So, I’m just about to say, in the politest way possible for a woman from Belfast who is really getting fromaged off, “Hey you, shift your, you have no clue where you’re going, arse off that seat and let me drive ye fecken eejit, when...we finally arrive in Sampeng. We grab the first room we find, (which is cockroach central but sure we can move tomorrow, let’s just get drunk for now), deposit our shiny new back packs and head off into the oriental Sampeng night.

Intoxicated by the sights, sounds and smells, (which, to the untrained nasal passages, are quite frankly a bit rank and, also really quite disgusting, on first sniff) we begin morphing into backpacker mode by introducing ourselves to lots of people and consuming vast quantities of the local brew (it’s called Tiger beer for a reason…it stalks you and you are blissfully unaware of the bite until you get bitten, which is usually when you stand up and try to walk!) This is going to be a great trip. 

N.B. So, how did these chain of events chance my life as I'd known it? 
The relief and pure joy I felt at leaving London behind proved to me that I was on the right path and, had been correct in following my heart and my intuition :)   

The New Millenium

Global Y2K crisis! The millenium bug! Planes falling from the sky! Computers crashing!...The end of the world as we know it!

At the ripe old age of 49 I have lived through many doomsday predictions that failed to manifest. The most publicised of these being the millennium bug scare 1999/2000 and the Mayan calendar predictions of the Apocalypse  in 2012. Hmmm, indeed and really?

In this blog I will share my thoughts and actions at the time of the Y2K new millennium freak out of 1999/2000, and share with you the journey I embarked on as a result. 

It was definitely the end of my world as I knew it!

Prologue

A brief synopsis of the chain of events which led to me completely changing my life and adopting the title of the Intrepid Traveller Extraordinaire aka …The Lesser Spotted Backpacker

1^st January 2000 – Belfast N. Ireland

Thankfully, the world did not dissolve/explode/change as we know it as soon as the clock struck midnight on 31^st December. I did however, take Prince's advice to party like it was 1999 and;

 a) It might be my last night as a free earth dweller 
 b) The known world might imploded in on itself 
 c) People could start falling out of the sky as aeroplane navigation and aerodynamic capabilities failed miserably.

Woke up with a hangover, followed by relief at lack of world destruction, and an incredible feeling of, “My god, I’m 32yrs old with another year of boredom stretching out before me.” What to do to address such a conundrum?

Two choices;

1. Sell home, leave job, move to London to pursue singing/acting career.
2. Sell home, leave job, travel the world.

Congratulations on deciding to celebrate your liberty, the lack of world destruction and enter yet another phase of your life and choosing option 1.

August 2001 - London England

33yrs of age

Overweight

Boring dead end job

Alone in London with no social life

Nil success on singing/acting career

Two Choices;

1) Change my life

2) Remain embedded in the status Quo

Congratulations you have chosen option 1 and in the words of the all immortal Status Quo*…lets go Rockin all Over the World!

This is my cue to take a year off and travel to exotic places

*70’s/80’s UK,iconic rock band (it’s amazing what you can achieve with 4 chords…just ask the Beatles).

N.B. So, how did these chain of events chance my life as I'd known it? 
I finally found the courage I'd been looking for for many years to do something I'd always wanted to do but had been to scared to initiate...TRAVEL :)